So often we are uncomfortable with slow. Slow somehow seems wrong. Wasteful. Pointless. Because who wants slow when you can have fast? The instants and quick fixes. The next day shipping and restaurants you can drive thru.
My soul wishes for slow but my flesh aches for fast. It wants the answers now and not later. It wants the broken pieces to be remolded in this moment not in a month. I want the next thing because the now thing seems too unknown and messy.
We’ve been in a teaching series at Radiant Life titled Awaken 21. A series focused on three prayers: search me, break me, awaken me. Truthfully, I’ve wrested with them all, but break me? That one shakes me. I think more-so than the others because I taught the week we explored it. I slept with that message. I went on walks with it. I drove down back roads and found old picnic tables and ate with it. I prayed over it. I cared for it. I loved it, and it wrecked me.
It wrecked me because I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to talk about the things I hold higher than Jesus. I don’t want to share the deeper and hidden pieces in my heart. I know some of them too well and to share them, is to lay them down. And I don’t want to explore those places and those things I refuse to lay before Him.
Yet, I found myself going there. There on the stage waiting for all other noise to stop, and then it does. That’s the scariest part of it all. The silence before you begin. The moment you look out into the crowd and wonder if anything you say is going to make any sense at all. Wondering if Jesus will meet with them and if He will meet with you, because Lord knows you need Him too.
And somehow He does as you stumble through your words.
One service down. One to go.
In between services, after fixing microphone and kid ministry dilemmas, I headed for the copy room, both as slowly and as quickly as I could. I held onto the edge of the counter and cried, “God, don’t make me go there again. Don’t make me get up on that stage and say all of that again.”
Yet, I found myself there again. Two services down. None to go. And I’ve never wanted to leave a building so fast in my life. “God, why did you make me do that?”
I’ve continued to wrestle with my need to run. My desperation to get away and not talk about it. I’ve prayed and sought God on that and it’s come down to this: my soul wishes for slow but it aches for fast. This broken stuff, can’t it just be fixed and made new now? I know the answer is no, because all healing takes time. But as much as I didn’t want to go there, I certainly don’t want to go there slowly. I’d rather go there and be done with it. But God says, “Go there and stay there until I’m done with it.”
I spoke about this journey of breaking the things we hold higher than Jesus. I asked the question, “Do you trust God enough to pray, break me?” Break me of those things I hold higher than You. I begged the question more for me than them because at the time, I wasn’t sure I did.
But when you’re in His presence, you learn truth and are lead to see the bigger picture, and the biggest thing I need to be broken of, is my brokenness. The stuff I can’t change and couldn’t control. The stuff of my life that dictates my identity. My relationships. My job. My heart. The stuff that I pile in rags, hoping no one will see. I need to take those piles and lay them at His feet rather than hide them in my closet as if they were tattered tokens claiming my right to stay broken.
Friends, we have no right to hold brokenness as a trophy when Jesus died to make us whole. That truth makes me trust Him enough to pray, break me.
I’m still processing through this series and the process is going slowly. But slow isn’t wrong. It isn’t wasteful. It isn’t pointless. And I’m okay that. I hope you are too. I hope you take the time to talk with Jesus and wrestle through the tough stuff even if the wrestling is slow and uncomfortable. Often, it is in the slow God is able to meet us.
I spent Monday morning in the copy room working and reflecting on my child-like ‘but I don’t wanna’ tantrum from the day before. I wanted to hide then too but Jesus walked in and said, “Kid, it’s going to be okay. Break. We’ll remake. But it’s going to take time. Just trust. Break. Pour. If the now thing is remade and resting in Me, the next thing is going to be so much richer because it isn’t going to be resting in You.”
So here’s to breaking. May we wrestle and may He win.